Two jobs, three children, the dog, the house, the meals to be made, the bills to be paid, the snow to shovel... It can be a lot for one day and can leave me feeling very defensive of my "alone time." In fact, it can leave me so defensive that, sometimes, I find myself wishing for a peaceful getaway (even if it's just to the couch in front of the TV)....ALONE! No hubby. No kids. No dog. No No One!
The problem is that I think wanting my own time and space can often come off as "the cold shoulder," to my husband. I certainly don't mean it that way, but if I'm taking a moment to recoup from four loads of laundry or from a day of counseling middle school students, the words "What are you watching?" in the wrong tone from my hubby can just send me reeling and cringing...and just wishing for Harry Potter's invisibility cloak for awhile!
I have to admit that I do always feel guilty about my need for time alone. I just dream of being on the couch...just me and Lifetime and a glass of wine, cup of tea, and a cozy blanket...ahhhh. But, should I really feel guilty?
My husband has days where all that he wants to do is flip the channels between three different football games and (although he's never said it)I bet nothing would make him happier than for me to announce that I was taking a trip to the mall for a couple of hours.
In other words, we need time to ourselves, even in marriage, even in parenthood. This time to ourselves is like "relationship sleep." It rejuvenates us, provides us with the energy we need to keep going in relationships, whether marriage or parent-child relationships.
So, remember that it's OK to take alone time. We all need it. It's healthy. If your spouse doesn't understand, let him or her know that alone time actually strengthens relationships. It give you a chance to maybe even miss each other! It's OK. No guilt.
Now....go to your couch and relax...send your spouse on some errands...get a cozy book, TV show, or blanket...rejuvenate.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Friday, August 29, 2008
Coping with a Lay Off
Boy oh boy! Economic times are tough. My husband works in construction (installing fire protection sprinklers in industrial buildings). Work for him has been extremely slow this year. He has been laid off four times already this year. Each time a company finishes a project and doesn’t have enough new work for all of their employees, they lay off many of the men. Every time he gets laid off it’s like getting hit in the face with a frying pan! We are a paycheck to paycheck family, so there’s really no room in our lives for this type of time off from work!!
You would think that by now we would have learned how to deal with these layoffs! But, despite their frequent appearances in our lives, we are still flabbergasted every time. My husband is a union worker, and his union has been weakened over the past 8 years. More and more companies around our area are non-union, hiring migrant workers for ridiculously low pay, and not providing them with the basics such as healthcare or 401k or anything like that, thus undercutting the union. Even school districts are hiring these non-union companies, because of course, by hiring poor desparate unskilled migrant labor who will work for beans and not complain, they are able to bid the lowest on jobs. Well, I won't get on a soap box about the need for strong unions...that's my husband's mission! I'll stick to how lay offs affect marriage!
Being laid off is extremely difficult for my husband emotionally. Men want to be the providers! The breadwinners! The rock that their families can depend on. So…when he feels that he is not these things successfully enough, he gets pretty bummed and cranky. Then, I get bummed and cranky! Then the marital problem solving must begin! I’ve learned that when he gets laid off the best thing to do is to think about it in positive terms. Like, I'll tell him (and myself) that something better will come along. There will be extra time for the two of us. He’ll get to rest his weary bones! (He works incredibly hard…and at 38 his body is already showing the effects, with aches and pains on a daily basis).
I also try to bite my tongue. As much as I might want to scream “What are we going to do to pay the bills?!?!?,” I try to avoid it. I know he knows that the bills need to be paid. I know that he is trying his best to secure new work. I give him the respect that he is doing the best each day to call around and find work.
The best thing to do during a lay off is to keep busy. Take walks. Go to the park. Get a series of movies and watch them together. (We’ve gotten Mad Men Season One and have watched the first season already! Great show by the way—check it out!)
The hardest part can be just getting used to having him around all the time. And yes, as much as I love him, it can be an adjustment having him home. There's a funny saying that I heard once. Someone said that we vow to love our spouses "til death do us part...but not for lunch!? I just think that is so funny. I get used to being on my own during the day!! For exmaple, he’s much stricter than I am with the kids, so he doesn’t let the kids get away with as much as I do and that can create conflict and tension. During the course of a day I have my way of coping with "kid stress," and then when he gets into it, it can just really throw me off. I want to say "Hey...you can deal with them at 5:00 tonight...then I'm ready for you! Not now! I'm doing it my own way!!!" But, as with any other marital issues, we problem solve. We try to communicate with each other, treat each other the way we would want to be treated—and ultimately not to say anything to each other that we’d regret.
Even during a lay off, you have to focus on love.
My tips of handling a lay off in a nutshell:
• Apply for unemployment compensation
• Pay the minimum payment on your credit cards—never get behind on those or the interest rate will skyrocket.
• Scrape together your mortgage or rent—try never to get behind on those either—it’s very hard to ever catch up
• Don’t eat out or order out. Stick to cheap foods. Eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch!
• Use coupons at the grocery store and cut out all things unnecessary—learn the difference between what you need and what you want. In other words, don't spend your money on scented candles or the fanciest version of the toothbrush right now! Get the basics...just the basics.
• Don’t place blame on your spouse—it just doesn’t help
• Be supportive—ask what you can do to help
• Take your mind off of the financial stuff and do fun things that are free or very cheap—like take a walk at the park, play Frisbee, go to the local public pool for the day, spend time at the library—check out a boatload of books! Spend quality time with your kids, reading, drawing, playing board games or card games, or a great game of kickball with the family!
• Try to think positively and stay positive.
• Try to see if you can find any part-time work! Maybe a friend needs help with something.
I hope none of you out there are going through a lay off—but given the economy, I’m sure we’re not the only ones experiencing tough times. My husband is really great at hooking up part-time work during a lay off. Today, he’s off to a soccer game as the referee! Yesterday he helped a friend do some work for his plumbing company.
I sure hope the next 4 years will be better than the last 8. I gotta say I'm rooting for Obama. Getting our economy back on track is pro-marriage-pro-family.
You would think that by now we would have learned how to deal with these layoffs! But, despite their frequent appearances in our lives, we are still flabbergasted every time. My husband is a union worker, and his union has been weakened over the past 8 years. More and more companies around our area are non-union, hiring migrant workers for ridiculously low pay, and not providing them with the basics such as healthcare or 401k or anything like that, thus undercutting the union. Even school districts are hiring these non-union companies, because of course, by hiring poor desparate unskilled migrant labor who will work for beans and not complain, they are able to bid the lowest on jobs. Well, I won't get on a soap box about the need for strong unions...that's my husband's mission! I'll stick to how lay offs affect marriage!
Being laid off is extremely difficult for my husband emotionally. Men want to be the providers! The breadwinners! The rock that their families can depend on. So…when he feels that he is not these things successfully enough, he gets pretty bummed and cranky. Then, I get bummed and cranky! Then the marital problem solving must begin! I’ve learned that when he gets laid off the best thing to do is to think about it in positive terms. Like, I'll tell him (and myself) that something better will come along. There will be extra time for the two of us. He’ll get to rest his weary bones! (He works incredibly hard…and at 38 his body is already showing the effects, with aches and pains on a daily basis).
I also try to bite my tongue. As much as I might want to scream “What are we going to do to pay the bills?!?!?,” I try to avoid it. I know he knows that the bills need to be paid. I know that he is trying his best to secure new work. I give him the respect that he is doing the best each day to call around and find work.
The best thing to do during a lay off is to keep busy. Take walks. Go to the park. Get a series of movies and watch them together. (We’ve gotten Mad Men Season One and have watched the first season already! Great show by the way—check it out!)
The hardest part can be just getting used to having him around all the time. And yes, as much as I love him, it can be an adjustment having him home. There's a funny saying that I heard once. Someone said that we vow to love our spouses "til death do us part...but not for lunch!? I just think that is so funny. I get used to being on my own during the day!! For exmaple, he’s much stricter than I am with the kids, so he doesn’t let the kids get away with as much as I do and that can create conflict and tension. During the course of a day I have my way of coping with "kid stress," and then when he gets into it, it can just really throw me off. I want to say "Hey...you can deal with them at 5:00 tonight...then I'm ready for you! Not now! I'm doing it my own way!!!" But, as with any other marital issues, we problem solve. We try to communicate with each other, treat each other the way we would want to be treated—and ultimately not to say anything to each other that we’d regret.
Even during a lay off, you have to focus on love.
My tips of handling a lay off in a nutshell:
• Apply for unemployment compensation
• Pay the minimum payment on your credit cards—never get behind on those or the interest rate will skyrocket.
• Scrape together your mortgage or rent—try never to get behind on those either—it’s very hard to ever catch up
• Don’t eat out or order out. Stick to cheap foods. Eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch!
• Use coupons at the grocery store and cut out all things unnecessary—learn the difference between what you need and what you want. In other words, don't spend your money on scented candles or the fanciest version of the toothbrush right now! Get the basics...just the basics.
• Don’t place blame on your spouse—it just doesn’t help
• Be supportive—ask what you can do to help
• Take your mind off of the financial stuff and do fun things that are free or very cheap—like take a walk at the park, play Frisbee, go to the local public pool for the day, spend time at the library—check out a boatload of books! Spend quality time with your kids, reading, drawing, playing board games or card games, or a great game of kickball with the family!
• Try to think positively and stay positive.
• Try to see if you can find any part-time work! Maybe a friend needs help with something.
I hope none of you out there are going through a lay off—but given the economy, I’m sure we’re not the only ones experiencing tough times. My husband is really great at hooking up part-time work during a lay off. Today, he’s off to a soccer game as the referee! Yesterday he helped a friend do some work for his plumbing company.
I sure hope the next 4 years will be better than the last 8. I gotta say I'm rooting for Obama. Getting our economy back on track is pro-marriage-pro-family.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Cooking with my Husband--Ugh!
One thing that seems to fall onto the laps of wives due to stereotypical expectations, and the desire of many wives to fulfill those expectations is daily cooking. Now, I know that there are many women who love to cook! That's wonderful. I really envy those women! I wish I loved to cook. It would make my life much simpler. But, the unfortunate reality is that,unless I am cooking a frozen pizza or cookies, I'm not really a happy camper when it comes to my responsibilities at dinner time! On my own, I could easily live off of Lean Cuisines or thin crust pizza or pasta. But, a good mom and wife just doesn't do that. So I work very hard to try to make healthy meals for my family each night. Ugh.
Once in awhile my husband Glenn eagerly wants to take over the chore. He enters from the farmer's market with a brown bag filled to the brim with steak, salad fixings, and beer. It's grill out night! Yay! I'm happy to let him do it. Or in the Winter, he'll cook salmon and different pasta dishes when he feels like it. But, here's what gets me. He loves cooking! I don't get it. Cooking is hard!
Despite the fact that I cook every night, Glenn thinks he knows more about cooking than me because when he was a teenager, he worked in a pizza shop--doing God knows what...folding boxes, I don't know--but he thinks he's an expert on cooking because of it. He'll stand over my shoulder and tell me I'm cutting the tomato wrong, or I'm using a knife that's not a bread knife...or he'll say insane things, like I can't break the spaghetti in half before putting it in the pot. Infuriating!
For years I kept wondering why he actually enjoyed cooking. Then, I realized. Men, have a different experience than women with cooking. It's NOT expected of them. It's NOT an They DON'T do it on a regular basis. It's NOT A CHORE for them! It's something unusual and fun. Like, a kid getting his turn to play in the kitchen. This is why my husband doesn't understand why I HATE it! We have two completely different views on what it means to cook.
To make matters worse, Glenn's a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. I believe in my first post, I mentioned that we had a "hamburger fight." Did I tell you why? Because I made hamburgers that were not shaped perfectly!! Oh well. That was 13 years ago. I guess I need to let it go.
And that's the secret to many a happy marriage. Letting it go. Realizing that sometimes you just have two different perspectives on something and that you have to agree that your perspectives don't match and move on.
Glenn doesn't correct me on what knife to use for cutting tomatoes or bread anymore. I put a stop to that! I break the spaghetti in half if I darn well want to...and I just let myself enjoy when he wants to take a turn. I realize too, that even though I hate cooking....I am getting something out of it. I know that even though I dislike cooking almost every night...I'm doing it out of love for my children and for Glenn. His job requires him to do hard labor in construction and he is on his feet all day. I get to sit in an office or be at home with the kids. He deserves a meal cooked for him. Sometimes, we just have to remember WHY it is we do the things we do. For love.
Once in awhile my husband Glenn eagerly wants to take over the chore. He enters from the farmer's market with a brown bag filled to the brim with steak, salad fixings, and beer. It's grill out night! Yay! I'm happy to let him do it. Or in the Winter, he'll cook salmon and different pasta dishes when he feels like it. But, here's what gets me. He loves cooking! I don't get it. Cooking is hard!
Despite the fact that I cook every night, Glenn thinks he knows more about cooking than me because when he was a teenager, he worked in a pizza shop--doing God knows what...folding boxes, I don't know--but he thinks he's an expert on cooking because of it. He'll stand over my shoulder and tell me I'm cutting the tomato wrong, or I'm using a knife that's not a bread knife...or he'll say insane things, like I can't break the spaghetti in half before putting it in the pot. Infuriating!
For years I kept wondering why he actually enjoyed cooking. Then, I realized. Men, have a different experience than women with cooking. It's NOT expected of them. It's NOT an They DON'T do it on a regular basis. It's NOT A CHORE for them! It's something unusual and fun. Like, a kid getting his turn to play in the kitchen. This is why my husband doesn't understand why I HATE it! We have two completely different views on what it means to cook.
To make matters worse, Glenn's a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. I believe in my first post, I mentioned that we had a "hamburger fight." Did I tell you why? Because I made hamburgers that were not shaped perfectly!! Oh well. That was 13 years ago. I guess I need to let it go.
And that's the secret to many a happy marriage. Letting it go. Realizing that sometimes you just have two different perspectives on something and that you have to agree that your perspectives don't match and move on.
Glenn doesn't correct me on what knife to use for cutting tomatoes or bread anymore. I put a stop to that! I break the spaghetti in half if I darn well want to...and I just let myself enjoy when he wants to take a turn. I realize too, that even though I hate cooking....I am getting something out of it. I know that even though I dislike cooking almost every night...I'm doing it out of love for my children and for Glenn. His job requires him to do hard labor in construction and he is on his feet all day. I get to sit in an office or be at home with the kids. He deserves a meal cooked for him. Sometimes, we just have to remember WHY it is we do the things we do. For love.
Monday, May 5, 2008
The First Year.
Married Life is not easy, that's for sure! It is the blending of two unique individuals into one family unit. Just because you are madly in love with your spouse, does not mean you will agree on the best way to fold the laundry or make a meatball! My first year of marriage was very stressful. I was only 24 years old, had never really lived away from my parents, and had been under the impression that married life would mean happily ever after, like Cinderella or Snow White. We went to New Orleans on our honeymoon, and believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to coming home to Pennsylvania to get started on our "real life." (Geez, I should have enjoyed the honeymoon more! Can I go back in time please???) I couldn't wait to be the Mrs. of our little, tiny condo.
Well, it didn't take long before the fighting began. First, my husband told me that I was making my hamburgers all wrong. This led to the biggest fight we've ever had. We still refer back to it. It has it's own title in our life history, "The Hamburger Fight!" We actually stooped so low as to throw hamburgers at each other! How we ever got over it, I can't quite remember. I probably started crying, and he probably apologized. I'm sure I told him how hard I was trying to make him a nice dinner, and I also probably told him if he didn't like my cooking then he'd have to do it all for himself from now on!
Three months after our vows I discovered I was pregnant. Sure, I'd always wanted babies...but so soon? I wasn't even 25 yet, after all. Still, I couldn't contain my excitement. I was going to be a Mom. My husband, on the other hand, was worried and insecure about being a father. At 24, he still wanted to party and have fun. I knew we'd have to grow up fast, but he resisted.
The first year was a major adjustment period. A new beginning in many ways. New marriage. New baby. New home. New way of life. Despite the ups and downs, we survived by never giving up on each other. No matter how bad the hamburger fight, we hung in there. We may have been young, but we knew the stakes. We really didn't ever want to lose each other, or the dream we had of building a family and a life together. We took our vows seriously. Ultimately, we didn't want to be failures! (My parents spent a lot of money on that wedding! I can't even imagine having told them it was for nothing and leaving my husband!)
Every year is an adjustment period in some way. I expect it now. That's the bottom line...don't expect that things will be easy. Hope for the best, of course, and be positive and optimistic, but expect that it takes hard work to get happiness in marriage. It's not easy even in the best of marriages. And that's OK because the things in life that are of the most value, take the hardest work to achieve, like a good, solid marriage.
Well, it didn't take long before the fighting began. First, my husband told me that I was making my hamburgers all wrong. This led to the biggest fight we've ever had. We still refer back to it. It has it's own title in our life history, "The Hamburger Fight!" We actually stooped so low as to throw hamburgers at each other! How we ever got over it, I can't quite remember. I probably started crying, and he probably apologized. I'm sure I told him how hard I was trying to make him a nice dinner, and I also probably told him if he didn't like my cooking then he'd have to do it all for himself from now on!
Three months after our vows I discovered I was pregnant. Sure, I'd always wanted babies...but so soon? I wasn't even 25 yet, after all. Still, I couldn't contain my excitement. I was going to be a Mom. My husband, on the other hand, was worried and insecure about being a father. At 24, he still wanted to party and have fun. I knew we'd have to grow up fast, but he resisted.
The first year was a major adjustment period. A new beginning in many ways. New marriage. New baby. New home. New way of life. Despite the ups and downs, we survived by never giving up on each other. No matter how bad the hamburger fight, we hung in there. We may have been young, but we knew the stakes. We really didn't ever want to lose each other, or the dream we had of building a family and a life together. We took our vows seriously. Ultimately, we didn't want to be failures! (My parents spent a lot of money on that wedding! I can't even imagine having told them it was for nothing and leaving my husband!)
Every year is an adjustment period in some way. I expect it now. That's the bottom line...don't expect that things will be easy. Hope for the best, of course, and be positive and optimistic, but expect that it takes hard work to get happiness in marriage. It's not easy even in the best of marriages. And that's OK because the things in life that are of the most value, take the hardest work to achieve, like a good, solid marriage.
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